Piano

I vaguely remember the first time I sat in front of my piano. I was about four and like many other Korean children my age, my parents taught me how to play the piano. I didn't know what this huge black and white instrument represented but I did know that I really liked it.

Eventually I got pretty good to give recitals. I still remember the intense pressure I felt practicing my songs before my concerts, mainly pressure that I brought on myself to play as perfectly as I can. In many ways, piano became my outlet to express happiness, anger, confusion, and all kinds of complicated teenage emotions that I could not express coherently otherwise.

Then I stopped playing. High school was a sprint towards college and my upright piano in Beverly Hills stayed dusty all four years in high school. In college, I refused to play as I was embarrassed to even say I played the piano when there were so many people more talented than me.

But life is a funny beast and has a way of blessing and guiding you back to your childhood passions. End of 2018, I stumbled myself in front of the piano again. Even though my hiatus was long, the immediate visceral pleasure and excitement are undeniable. I am giving a four-hands piano recital in February with my pianist friend Roger who has graciously taken me under his wing. This July, I will be entering an amateur piano competition in St. Petersburg which I am thrilled about.

My program is as follows:

First round:

1. Three preludes from Scriabin Op. 11
2. Schumann Faschingsschwank Wien Op. 26 - Part IV Intermezzo
3. Schubert Impromptu, Op. 142 (d. 935) no. 3 in b flat major

Second round:

1. Chopin Nocturne No. 19 in E minor
2. Debussy Arabasque No. 1
3. Beethoven Sonata "Pathetique" Op.13

Full disclosure - I don't know how to play all of these pieces yet. I need to work towards it. The four-year-old child in me is squealing with joy but also frustration that my fingers are too slow and make too many mistakes. There are days I pound my piano with frustration and anger. Then there are days when I just feel so happy that I can somehow create tunes, melodies, parts of beautiful music even if they are imperfect.

Life is not meant to be perfect, I realize. It's a process of getting there that counts. Right now, I am in the process of refinding my childhood joy and passion and for now that is more than enough for me.